bhojsala

IT was a dream to see the Bhopal for the Rashtriya Manav sangrahalaya, the Rang Bhavan, The Begum Bhopal’ heritage and legacy, the BHOJ Shala and all that which I became aware during my continued path of education.
IT was certainly a gift of GOD that I could visit the Bhopal, but alas, as foolish I am, due to laziness I could not utilize much of opportunity provided by the Almighty. I cannot complain to him about that.
SO what, I could actually breathe the air of the place. Was that anything less for me? NO it was great to feel the same air, the same sky, and the same vibrations as those people felt. By that I mean the Begum Bhopals (there were many of them), May be the Kings like raja Bhoj, The city I loved, where the shooting of the film the CUSTODY of Ismail merchant was done(as much as I know). The Bhopal is similar to Bhoj Pal.  Isn’t it?
The temple at high-rise in Bhoj pur (sala), no doubt, is of ancient origin. It looked to me as an assembled one. The etchings on the nearby rocks show some kind of the design plan for the temple and its different angles. The designs of arches, pillars etc are also drawn on the rocks. But Pity. After having known this temple for such a long time no steps have been taken to protect those engraving on rock from the onslaught of the weather. When I saw it Many drawings have faded and more are going to be washed by rains and destroyed by heat(may be).
At least few temp. sheds could have been erected on those engravings. Ironically there was an old looking building. Which as local people told it was a kind of guesthouse, where high privileged visited. If that is not correct then of course huge fund had been utilized in making these unused brick structures and on the other side the important engraving were left open under the sky.
Early in childhood I used to read the AMAR chitra Katha, stories of Raja Bhoj, Chandragupta Vikramaditya (both the pratham and dwiteeya). Now we get confused as who is who and what each has done and what each of them has significance to the Indian History.
Then there was a young child named Shalivahana, who, as legend goes, was born to an eight year old girl. Some “shraap” was on the Vikramaditya-I that a boy born to an eight-year girl would kill him. Legend has it that a “pot maker” or Potter, not the Harry potter, raised the boy and his mother.
The boy grew up amongst the commoners (at that time) and not in the elite class. He fought with the mighty king-The Vikramaditya-I. He is credited to introduce the language of the commoners into the court of the Kings. Earlier the language of God- the Sanskrit- was the court language. (the place is now taken by the elite English now days).   Which was never done before. As, the Shalivahana was a common man of that time, with lots of common sense. So he introduced it for the benefit of all.
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Meena Kumari – A phenomena

Long live Meena ji. Even though, she was Mahjabeen but viewer did not know her by that name. Only the word Meena Kumari was enough to remind of what she was. She got first award for best actress of Indian cinema. When acting in films She was not meena kumara but the characters she was supposed to play, The Bahu Begum, Parineeta, Sahibjaan, Majhli Bahu, etc etc. All the characters came to life in those films, the actress and the characters were synonymous. Unlike few actors who are remembered for their style and not the characters. In few actors of past we read many things about them that they had a particular style/ mannerism whatever character they portray in films. That becomes an impediment  in their persona.
I don’t know when I saw her film for the first time. We did not own a TV till 1982, when I was in class eleven. We used to travel for one kilometer to watch TV films etc from Type one at Nankari gate to type two which were situated near IIT Kanpur gate. In those days I was lucky enough to watch black and white TV and her films. At Type one family had TV and that was out of bound for me. Only I was fortunate enough to watch films while hanging on to the window. And most often it was like watching an audio film. I became fan of her films. When she used to cry I used to cry with her. When she used to rush in happiness I could felt the same happiness. When she felt pain on hearing the cries of that little boy who was being beaten by lalita pawar I also used to feel the pain for that boy. When she felt the shy in coming in front of a man – the hero- I used to feel the same. That was the embodiment of her I was having for her.
But foremost important thing was that I danced with her in all her films. The “Thade rahio baanke yaar re” became the favorite. Initially I used to dance on “Inhin logon ne” of Pakeezah, I was considered OUTCASTE in my school by everybody- by the classmate who used to sit next to me and to all students outside the class also. I was just a toy and mean of amusement for all of them. Even girls also felt the same towards me. As soon as I started learning the first steps of Kathak, I started liking the Thade rahio song, I tried to match each and every step and beat of the song. I took this as challenge and after few months I started dancing on the song matching on each beat. And still I try to match every beat. But as I grow older and older the pause, gaps, the nuisances, the moods of those gaps of sound and different stress on beats of table and strings of sarangi open up more challenges to me. I try to portray them and grasp them more and more with different meanings. As Birju Maharaj ji puts it that this is pure Bhakti, as the SAM is the Lord Krishna and these beats and all sur etc are RAHDA who all try to search for the Lord- the SAM. Therefore this Thumri song of Pakeezah has various meaning and various moods which are to be enacted.  As I learnt from olders that in past there were danseuses who were invited only for singing. They only sang wherever they were invited to do so. They sang the songs while seated. Those songs, as my grandmother referred to as the TUMAIN. The word in the local slang means the song sung while seated. I heard the names of Gunni, or ginni and Nooran often from my grandmother. She categorically told me that they never danced. The dancing girls were different class.
So the Thumri used sung while seated but through the singing only the mood is to be portrayed to the audience. Often, while singing those girls enacted few moods of like Radha or Krishna, or bewitching lovelorn mate etc.
But I am not any of them. I try to follow what Birju Maharaj ji has said (as he is a god like to me). I try to match the beats and the SAM. In the song Gopika says that lord wait let me have the “shringar” first so that when you come, I greet you in a well attired shape full with Kaajal in eyes, flowers in the VENI and well knotted, and all of SIXTEEN decorations.
Another aspect is that Lord Krishna, a Naughty and play full Lord wait don’t come near I wish to protect my pot which is full of Butter or curd. Since the Gopika fears that lord will throw the stone and the pot of milk, butter or curd will be broken.
She remained loner in the end and I have always been so in the path of my life.

Threads of social fabric

I am listening to the song HAJI ALI from the film FIZA. This recent film is touching upon a controversial topic of riots, fundamentalism and partition etc, I haven’t seen this film till now but only few trailers on TV. While hearing this song on my computer, I noticed some eyes were full of amazement and looking at me. It was clear that there is doubt in their minds. How come this a Brahmin, enjoying the Qawali on “Haji Ali”. The song plays continuously on the media player till you close it.

In backdrop, Afghan war is ensuing for past 30 days. Many views appeared in the media from several quarters over the division/ polarization of the world into Muslims and the rest. Few in India took it to the division of Muslims itself. Fanatic and “liberal –moderate Muslims”. Danger was that it was done vis-a-vis Hindu and fundamentalists. They are stretching the point too much. Terrorism is now world vide phenomenon.  And only those who want a tag of liberal or secular are using this kind of comparison. Mainly they are from English media. I think they think of themselves as a global citizen. The danger is that these are the people who can or may influence the political thinking of any country or community. Which will result in the exploitation of the poor the common man.
I am amazed to see Muslims of many countries are demonstrating against the US attack. By this they themselves creating this impression of linking the terrorism with the religion. It may be like If India wages war against the Dawood Ibhrahim and the Terrorism and by virtue of his being in PAK (as reported by the media) the Muslims of world start demonstration against India.
A report came up in the HT that talks between Afghan and US were going on for last three years to hand over Osama till the September 11.
I just want to confine myself to India. Why the protests were not held when there were killings in J&K. or they had some hidden agenda to give religious flair to the terrorism in J & K.  Neither the Muslims nor the rest of the world spoke at the brutal killings (either sikhs or others) in J & K. Whereas the country stood up when killing of two Christians was reported. The So-called the secular, were in the forefront and tried to build pressure on the Centre. It has to be accepted that people sitting in Delhi have a clout.
HAJI AlI of Bombay (now MUMBAI) has a special place in my life. Eight years in marriage they ran here & there, for search of a boon- a child. Though they might have performed puja daily to please god. But the single visit to the Dargah oF Haji Ali blessed them with a son -that is me. Later I also visited the Dargah and paid my obedience at Haji Ali. My parents also visited Ajmer Sharif and Salim Chisti Dargah.  they had wished that if their desires were fulfilled they would visit these Dargah of the famous Sufi saints. The belief now I have inherited.
Next time we visited these places again in 1976 & 1982. This time all the brothers and sisters prayed together to these saints. Tradition continues from generation to generation.
As a child we used to visit Hardoi, the native place of my maternal grandmother. Bus from Hardoi city would take us to a spot on road to sandi. At the stop there were only shops and few houses on both side of the road. The road formed the mid rib of the village. One shop neighboring the well was of Jumman Mia the tailor of the area.  He was surrounded by the an old sewing machine, few glittering pieces of cloths few with faded colors, one assistant a boy of 14 to 15 years of age, nearby three four goats were enjoying there time jumping running eating all over the place. Two loyal dogs patiently looking at us the intruder to their territory. His beard was the only distinguishing sign from others. Noticeable things were an aluminum pot with a stout and the round cap over his head. He was a jolly fellow.
To his query that to whom I want to visit. I told about my grandfather. To my surprise, the place, which was looking deserted and inaccessible, suddenly became spacious and filled with energy and warmth. Takhat was empty he cleared of all the cloths etc. Three four persons from the other shop arrived. They fetched drinking water from the well and a bullock cart was arranged for us to reach Murauli village. Whenever Grand mother was with us we never faced any problem on the way. She was daughter of the village and aunty to all of the area. and people in that area were all in some way or the other were uncles, brother etc. Since she belonged to this village thus all residents of that village are my relatives..!!!. What a great place we belong to?
She would share jokes with Jumman Mia and his group. Some times she would curse somebody and also bless some. All this goes on in a very healthy atmosphere.
Back in city where my grandmother lived at the end of the lane there was a house full of Reshmas, aiyishas begums etc. Often they would come to fetch drinking water from our house in absence of any municipality tap. The well was inside of our house. These ladies call out for my grandmother standing at gate. My grand mother never denied for drinking water though there was some resistance from tenants.
At the end of the lane there was a Sarai, originally this place is meant for travelers for resting etc, this sarai must have been built during mughal period. It was big a rectangular compound eclosed by walls on all sides and two gates. The boundary wall was very high and huge domes were mounted on four corners. A pathway passed through the Centre. There was a huge well inside. This well would be full of buzz whole day.
Later I heard that one Saabir Mia bought this sarai. In sarai lived kallu my childhood friend. Whole atmosphere of the sarai was very pleasant. There were trees of Tamarind some of the pomegranate, few of guava and berry. Some were NEEM trees. The Street was full of activities whole day. In pre noon hours vendors would roam selling their items from the spices to many mysterious things. I came to know many things in the life through these activities on this street. How the Printing is done on the cloths, How the copper, brass etc utensils are polished, How the knives edge is sharpened. How the cotton is prepared for filling in the lihaf Rajai (quilt). How the wax toys are made. How the toys of sygar are made. How that sweet paste is made from which You could get watch, horse driven cart and bullock cart.  I think they were able to make any shape, only thing was you had to name it. Seeing men wet with sweat during Long hours of preparation of the stuff was very painful and noteworthy.
The sarai housed at least twenty families. Few dwellings were vacant. visitors used to occuppy these. There were street magician, toy makers, merchants etc. In the first house lived one Maulviji. He had prescribed few remedies for me also. He was considered to be having some mysterious powers. Whoever in need would rush for his help. He would simply close his eyes and prayed and then exhale air on the patient. Muttering some mantar (not the mantra, I prefer to write in this way) and a big PHOONK.
There lived a gang of notorious ducks (such was my experience). The leader was big black duck. While crossing the sarai I was chased by this devil. He with his elongated neck chased and squeezed on my leg. That was very painful.
There was ‘kallu ki dai’ as my grand mother called this lady, to whom my grandmother approached for eggs for me. A doctor prescribed one egg for me, hence my grand mother contacted this lady. She had few hens. One was without any feathers on the neck. Surprising thing was that the hen was kept tied with small rope in its leg. Even my household was strict vegetarian, but when doctor told one egg a day for me, My grandmother without thinking approached someone whom she knew would help.
I do remember that on one festival, girls in SARAI made small mud houses two to three story tall. Well decorated with colors. Proper staircase and rooms windows and domes every thing was there to see. I do not remember the actual name of the festival. But I used to take part in making of these houses.
Then there was another one when everybody made small Tazias. Some used the colored paper and some used the glittering papers. When this TAZIA procession was taken out on the streets the ladies, daughters would carry their babies under the tazia. Supposedly that would bring good luck and long life to the baby. Many families regardless of the religion did this.
I had on some occasion accompanied some friends from sarai to a local Masjid. Where I noticed they would line-up in front of the gate or staircase holding baby in their arms and the elderly or all those coming out of the mosque after prayers would give mouthful of air to the children. This is known as “Foonk” or “Phoonk” in our local dialect.
On the ID or EID my neighbours had always sent the raw SIMAI or semia gud (jaggery), dates, sootpheni, etc to our house, knowing that my grandmother and mother are strict vegitarian. Thus no cooked food will be allowed from their house. They thought thatat least this would be cooked in our house and we will eat it. Similarly we recirpocated all these in our Diwali, Holi etc. And i ams sure many of our people in Mohallas of old Lucknow, Kanpur etc always did this for generations. That was known as GANGA JAMUNI Tahzeeb. It had continued since 500 years or more so.

Incidently in Hardoi, it is a saying that ancestors of my grandmother fought with muslim nawabs and won few villages. But they kept one village for themselves and chose to settle there. They had originally came from MATHURA region. They were known as PATHAK brothers. Thus the village is known as Pathakan ki Murauli.

CHILD ABUSE at home : Child sex abuse

vkt fQj og xkuk lqukbZ iM x;k Vhoh ijA ,d dejs es cUn gks vkSj pkHkh [kks tk;A  cjlks iqjkuh ;nsa rktk gks xbA  bl xkus dks lqudj mlus tks flldkjk fy;k Fkk og vkokt vkt Hkh dkuks es xwta jgh gSA
og fnu dSls Hkqyk;k tk ldrk gSA ml fnu ?kj es dksbZ ugha FkkA lc yksx ckgj x;s FksA ihyk fpduk dqrkZ lWQsn pwMhnkj iguk Fkk eSusA fiDpj esa og xkuk vk;k rc og flldh ys dj fleV x;k Fkk A fQYe [kRe gksus ij [kkuk [kk;k nksuks us A dqN mijh fn[kkok djus yxs nksuks tSls fdlh ?kMh+ dk bUrtkj dj jgs FkssA vkf[kj og ?kMh+ vk gh x;hA
iyxa ij dksbZ lks;k FkkA jkr dk vU/kdkj gh Fkk pkjks rjQA dqN fn[k ugha jgk FkkA og cs[kcj Hkh Fkk fd ?kj es dksbZ vkSj ugha gS tks ns[k ysxkA blls igys fd jkr dk v/kadkj vkSj ?kgjkrk nwljk lk;k dc ml iyxa es vkx;k irk gh ugh pykA g`n;xfr gFkhSsMs+ lh okj dj jgh Fkh ij ‘kk;n lqukbZ fdlh dks ugha ns jgh FkhA iyxa ij Hkwpky py jgk FkkA vc nks vkd`fr;ks dks vyx ls nsk fxuk ugh tk ldrk A nksuks ,d gks x;h FkhA fnlEcj dk eghuk Fkk dMkds dh lnhZ FkhA pknj ugh jtkbZ Fkh ogkWaA dMkds dh lnhZ jkr dk ?kuk v/ksjk vkSj mlij ?kj es fdlh dk ugha gksuk lc feydj dkj.k curs gSa mls cy’kkyh cukus ds fy,A muds lkeus rks eS ,d NksVh lh tkuA mlds fy, rks jtkbZ es mldk f’kdkj Fkk ftls og tc pkgs tSls pkgs oSls bLrseky dj ldrk FkkA ogh mlus fd;kA cl fQj D;k Fkk ge rks jg x, dsoy ,d dBiqryh dh rjgA nks cnu ,d jtkbZ es ,d nwljs es xqFexqFFkk gks dj lnhZ ls yMrs jgsA
jtkb es vc dsoy nks cnu Fks A mlus ckgksa es dl fy;k vkSj ckgksa ds ?ksjs es og NksVh tku dlelk xbA og cMk lk;k NksVs cnu dks pkjks rjQ ls ckgksa es tdMs FkkA dqN fojks/k u ik dj mles cy vk x;kA og gels mez es cMs FksA db cjlks ls esjs ?kj ij vkrs tkrs o jgrs :drs FksA  ckgksa es tdMdj pweus yxkA og lk;k NksVs lk;s ij vk?kkr lk djus yxkA mlus vkosx c<k fn;k vkSj iwjs vkosx ls NksVs cnu ij vk?kkr djus yxkA vkSj eS dqN dlelkm rks rqjUr <hys gks tkuk ckgkas es I;kj ls Hkj ysuk vkSj s brus cMs cnu ds uhps nck fn;k tSls ihl fn;k gksA vkSj fQj mij ls tksj tksj ls vk?kkr djuk lc vthc lk Fkk og mldk vthc lh flldkjh Hkjh vkokt fudkyuk vHkh rd esjs dkuks es xwtrh gSA
fQj tc Hkh og ‘kgj vkrk rks gekjs ?kj gh ij :drk A 
cl tSls jkr gksus dk bUrtkj djrkA jkr dks lc lks tkrs A jkr ds vU/skjs esa f’kdkjh ekSds dk Qk;nk mBk dj esjs mij dc /kkok cksy nsrk Fkk irk ugha pyrk FkkA D;ksfd ge lks jgs gksrs FksA ijUrq tc eq>s vius cnu es dqN gksus yxrk Fkk rc gh irk py ikrk Fkk fd og vk x;k gSA ml jkr Hkh og vk;k FkkA
’kke ls ge f[kMdh ls ijns dh vksV ls ns[k jgs Fks mlsA ge mlds lkeus ugh tkuk pkgrs Fks ! mls tSls irk Fkk fd ge mls ns[k jgs gSaA mlus f[kMdh dh rjQ ns[k dj eqLdqjk;k FkkA ges yxk fd gekjh pksjh idMh xbA ij og ’kSrku rks ns[k dj glrk gh jgkA geus lcds fy;s pk; cukb ij vc ckgj rks tkuk gh iM+kA ml le; ml dh vk[kksa esa ’kSrkuh ns[kh FkhA og ?kwjrs gq, eqLdqjk jgk FkkA
jkr dks [kkus ds ckn lc lks x,A ge nsj jkr i<kbZ djrs FksA vius dejs es vkx,A irk ugha dc ge lks x,A lksrs le; dqN vthc eglwl gqvkA
ij pwfd dbZ ckj vthc gks pqdk Fkk blfy, T;knk /;ku ugha ns ik,A vkt lksprs gSa fd ml le; /;ku fn;k gksrk rks vkt esjh ;g fLFkfr ugha gksrhA  FkksMh+ nsj ds ckn lkeus dqN gksus yxkA lksrs gh eSusa Hkh mUgsa ckgksa es ys fy;kA ’kk;n gesa mUgksus igys ls gh viuh ckgksa es tdM+ j[kk FkkA ge rks vkjke ls ckWgksa ds tky es cU/k x;s FksA xjekgV ik dj lks x,A
dHkh b/kj pwerk dHkh viuh ckWgksa es dl dj Hkhap nsrkA ge vxj tjk lk fgyrs rks vius xhys pqEcuks ls ges xhyk dj nsrkA ij ge rks HkS;k th dh ckWgksa es ca/ks lqjf{kr eglwl djrs gq;s vkjke ls lksrs jgsA  dqN nsj ds ckn gedks yxk fd ge nc jgs gSa rc ge tkxsA rc irk pyk fd og gekjs fcLrj ij gSA
tSls gh mlus tkuk fd ge tx x;s gSa viuh idM+ <hyh dj ds gedks pweus yxk tSlS dg jgk gks fd lc Bhd gSA nwljs gh {k.k viuh etcwr lqMkSy ckWgksa es dl dj tdM+ fy;k vkSj pqEcu ysus yxsA vpkud ls ,ls idM+k fd ges ihl nsxsA dbZ ckj dl dj lesVk tSls vius cnu es lek ysxkA bruh rkdr ls viuh ckgksa ls nck fy;k fd tSls ges ihl nsaxsA ge dqN cksy gh ugha ik;sA

For first few days I could not guess what was happening to me. In morning I used to find some liquid on front of pant. After few days during night I felt something unusual. While in sleep/ slumber I tried to turn but I could not. I found myself encircled in his arms. Noticing my un-comfort he cleverly loosened his grip of arms and put lot of liquid kisses over me, as if assuring me…. It was midnight I think, since I was deep in sleep. I again slept. Again there was something happening. I felt myself clung to his chest and his arms encircled me. His one leg was on me. I was in his grip. He was elder to me and strong built. I was getting smell of his chest. different type of aroma was emancipating from his chest, armpits.  Salty sour type. He kissed me on my forehead and I heard he said good child.
I cling(ed) to his big body. Slowly as night progressed his grip on me also progressed. For the first time these kind of hugs and strong arms, I felt around me. His caressing on my body, Slowly touching all body parts were all amazing to me. Someone first time was touching my body. It was something new and surprising, spell binding me. strange.
I found both of his arms around me and i was sleeping clung to his big body. He kissed me many times, while his face was close to my face while he was kissing my lips touched his face. i think Immediately he noticed it. He smiled over my act. In that dark night i noticed his smiling. He again and again tried to repeat those things so that i may be tempted to do what i tried to do—kiss his cheeks. Thus after few attempts he put his cheeks on my mouth and i slowly put my lips on his cheeks. He gave me a tight hug and slowly again kissed me all over as if rewarding me. He was touching as if i am a flower, so gently but yes his grips around me were firm. He had strong arms and a big chest.  he had removed his banyan, my face was touching his skin of chest. Many times he was thrusting himself over me and while he was kissing his chest was touching my mouth. Then he once kissed on my chest. That time i felt strange feeling inside me. He put his chest so close to me and while moving his chest his nipples were almost inside my mouth. Thus his nipples touched my lips as if i was kissing on them. He liked it very much. That time in DARKness i felt he laughed with giggles. He was again and again trying to let me do this thing. And in reward he would offer me his liquid kisses with tight hugs.
He pressed me close to his body. I found his leg on me. All my body was under him now, locked by this leg. I found he had removed his waist cloth (lungi/dhoti). his leg on me touched my skin of hand, my hand touched his thigh. A big bulk of flesh type of thing was on me. But it was soft skin touch. He started again kissing and in between adjusted me under his belly. He pulled me close to his belly. He had actually removed his cloths for this act i think. But while manipulating all this he never forgot to offer me soft kisses. Suddenly his hand grabed my hand in darkness and guided it towards something. It was big, bulbous, smooth, tube like, jerking and attached to his belly. He made my hand to grab it and over my hand was his hand griping my hand. After few seconds he tried to make some movements over his this tube with my hand as if trying to tell me what to do???. Up and down over that tool. I did not know what to do. It was bigger than my grip. He did it with his hand guiding my hand. Suddenly there is change in his behaviour. His grip became tight over my hand and he increased the frequency of movement of his hand. He placed arm tightly around me with his left hand. He pressed me towards his chest and i also griped him with my left hand and with my mouth chewed his nipples on his chest. He had actually started liking this act of mine and he deliberately tried to do something so that I can do this act on him.
To my astonishment he was naked and I was under his belly, he guided my hand to do movements over his that tool, which he had kept in my hand. He started doing it vigorously. And as his frequency increased his pressure on me and his tightening of arms around me also increased. He actually ascended on me and pressed me under his belly as if he will pierce my belly thrusting his lower belly on me. When I was completely under his chest and belly I could not bear weight of his body, I tried to run away from his grips. He was bigger than me. Strong built. He applied all his force to keep me under his belly as if he will crush me completely. I also tried all my force to come out of his grip. In that dark night I was fighting with this huge body of a strong man. He was completely naked. He many times tried to console me. He kissed me all over me and tried to say few nice words after loosening his arms. But this was for few seconds and suddenly he would become uncontrollable beast type again forcing his belly on me. Applying all my force I just slipped out of his grips and ran towards the bathroom. I don’t know for how much time I was there.
Actually he was elder to me thus I could not protest. He very often used to visit our home. While I used to study in my room, in evenings he used to come to my room And stood behind my chair. With his hands he caressed my arms, shoulders and sides of my body as for appreciation saying you are very good child and studious one. Keep it up and all that. But during all this he used to continuously touch all over me. During summers I also did not wear full sleeves, thus his palms keep on touching my skin of hands, neck, shoulders. All this while my chair was like a wall between him and me. Back was raised thus he used to grip me from back of chair.
In nights he used to sneak into my room during darkness of night. While I was sleeping he will cares my body, often took me into his arms etc, I could not notice it since I was sleeping. But yes when he often with full force used to grab my body into his arms then only I could notice that he has come to my bed. But over the years, as if my body got accustomed to his body and all his acts during night.
Many times I could not notice what has happened to me, since in slumber he used to lay beside me and used my body. Once During winter we had visited his village. Inside the quilt he grabbed me in night. He and me, as if we both knew what to do. I was sleeping or pretending i don’t know. He was lying beside me. He started rubbing his hands all over my body, caressing gently. Encircled his arms around me and kissed me. He came prepared today. He had no cloths inside. He had removed his loincloth. In that cold weather his body was warm. Since he had taken me in his grip of arms I also cling to him as if to feel warmth of his big chest. He had no hairs on his chest, bare chest. Two nipples were touching me. He kissed me and i think he knew what i was thinking. What was going on in my mind. Thus he adjusted himself and myself so that my mouth just touched his nipples. As i touched his nipples with my mouth he groaned. And in reward he kissed me and gave me a tight hug. He turned towards me, now we were face to face. My face was on his chest and his arms around me pulling towards him. One hand he guided towards that point, it touched his scrotum which was just a fluid like thing. Since he had already removed his underwear everything was within reach of my grip. He guided my hand to it and put grip on his manly tool. It was quite obvious now for me to follow. Since he had taught me many times what to do. He was vigorous. Vigorously he was rubbing his belly on me. He was making some sounds which i had never heard. He continuously kissed me. He put liquid kisses on me. He put his mouth on my cheek and rolled his warm tongue all over my cheek; with saliva my cheeks were wet. He fixed his lips on my cheeks and with force he kissed, as if with vacuum he pulled skin of my cheeks into his mouth. With his large mouth he tried to pull all my cheeks, later it started little pain. Then he kissed on my forehead and neck. I tried to kiss on his chest and nipples. He liked it and repeatedly for some time we played this. First he kissed me then he will put his chest on my mouth then i will kiss his nipples, in return he again kissed me, and then again he put his chest on me so that i can kiss his chest, thus it kept on many times. In that dark night when i cannot see anything in that room, he was playing with me for large part of night.
Then with lots of touching and kissing he turned me. Now he was towards my back. He suddenly tried to pull out my under wear. And he started putting fingers in my front and at the back while he was pressing his bare chest on my back and belly towards me. With little force he tried to insert his thumb at my back. I was uncomfortable and i ran out of cot.
Once, he stayed in our house. After finishing all the cores I also slept. Past midnight I felt something unusual, which was actually usual by now for my body to feel in nights, particularly when he is around. I felt some pressure at my back. Thinking of “usual”, my body tried to accommodate him. After some time again I felt pressure, I tried to roll over and change my position. I could not do so. He was at my back and griping me into his arms tightly. He stoped me from changing my position. When I tried further he must have applied more force. More forcefully, he grabed me towards his chest. Pushed me into his chest. I found that he had shifted my cloths also, and he was naked. Since his chest was touching my back. With the touch of skin I noticed that he was naked. His both arms around me pulling and pressing me towards his big chest. Thus my back was completely attached to his chest and belly and he was keeping it with force.
He applied more pressure. That time I felt uneasiness. All this while I was sleeping and all these years I was used to all this acts of him, thus I could not react instantly. But when the pressure grew and unbearable to me I tried to wake up. To my surprise he with his one hand applied saliva at my back and thrust his penis into my back. With all his might he pulled me towards his chest and with thrust pressed his penis on to me. It was half way through and I woke up to my senses and tried to come out of his grip. I applied all my force and ran out of the bed. He asked what happened child?.. what answer I could have given to him?? He was married this time when he did this.
He has ruined my life. Over the years i think he manipulated my body to his pleasure.
To this day i am unable to forget his touches, his kissing and his thrusting of penis inside me and touch of saliva.. this goes on at various times of day and night. I am unable to forget. I try to forget but sometimes in the darkness of night he takes over me and my body.

khwaish 1- the wish

I got chance to see the movie Pakeezah when i was quite young. Every frame was recorded on my memory-the mental-scape. All the emotions felt by the Meena Kumari ji on screen were felt by my brain cells also.  She was such a persona that no space will be less to write about her. Now At the age of 40 I think of many dimensions of those memories.

Those women really suffered a lot. They were on one hand were exploited by men and  on the other hand ill-treated by the women of that time, which caused them double agony. Well, if one says that they exploited men, then I would say it was not fault of these women. One has to see the Umrao jaan, the film by shri Muzaffar Ali, who had lineage connection with the Nawabi culture.
Whenever I go to Lucknow, which is my birth place, I regularly go to the Kesar Bagh. From there a way leads to the Kathak Kendra and Bhatkhande music college. On the way we can see the Baradari and on both side are the remains of old Lucknow style of buildings. There is also a gate from which I used to come from the Golagunj.
At the Kesar Bagh chauraha on the road leading to the Baradari, there is one gate, There is wriiten something which i could not ignore. But i tried to peep inside. Just in case to get a chance to see Muzafar Ali. Once I asked someone at the gate that when I can see Muzafar Ali ji. He said he is not here and he did not know when he will come to Lucknow. At that moment I come to peace with the ground  and consider myself lucky as atleast I was able to  touch the gate of building which many time houses Shri Muzafar Ali ji.
But whenever I see Umrao Jaan movie I find that the places are familiar to me. Some scenes look like as if shot in Chota Imambara or some other such places. Then there was a scene where Umraao was in Kanpur and she sang the song at the birthday of nawab’s  son. The place I search was a house/building we find near the jajmau bridge on Ganga. While going to lucknow from jajmau on left side of road was a white building of the old style- I thought that the shoot must have been taken place there. So much admiration I had for the film. After Pakeezah the Umrao jaan was the only film, which I considered of that standard. There was art, music, dance, drama, literature, architecture, creativity, Culture, all the emotions were there-love, pity, envy, hatred. There is another movie UTSAV, but i realy dont know whether it was a succes story or not- two different views are taking rounds. For me that was also a movie worth preservation and it was a work of art. Had it been made in SANSKRIT- suppose- then what would have happened?. As if the Iyer( or the iyengar???) film the SANKARACHARYA. it was amazing film- i had seen it on doordarhsan early 80s. the concept of dualism was explained.
 
I really wish I could meet Shri Muzaffar Ali ji and ask him to take me in any dance sequence.

khwaish 1- the wish

I got chance to see the film Pakeezah when i was quite young. Every frame was recorded on my memory-the mental-scape.
All the emotions felt by the Meena Kumari ji on screen were felt by my brain cells also.  
She was such a persona that no space will be enough to write about her. Now At the age of 40 I think of many dimensions of those memories.

Those women really suffered a lot. They were on one hand were exploited by men and  on the other hand ill-treated by the women of that time, which caused them double agony.

Well, if one says that they exploited men, then I would say it was not fault of these women.

One has to see the Umrao jaan, the film by shri Muzaffar Ali, who had lineage connection with the Nawabi culture.

Whenever I go to Lucknow, which is my birth place, I regularly go to the Kesar Bagh. From there a way leads to the Kathak Kendra and Bhatkhande music college. On the way we can see the Baradari and on both side are the remains of old Lucknow style of buildings. There is also a gate from which I used to come from the Golagunj.

At the Kesar Bagh chauraha on the road leading to the Baradari, there is one gate, There is wriiten something which i could not ignore. But i tried to peep inside. Just in case to get a chance to see Muzafar Ali. Once I asked someone at the gate that when I can see Muzafar Ali ji. He said he is not here and he did not know when he will come to Lucknow. At that moment I come to peace with the ground  and consider myself lucky as atleast I was able to  touch the gate of building which many time houses Shri Muzafar Ali ji.
But whenever I see Umrao Jaan movie I find that the places are familiar to me. Some scenes look like as if shot in Chota Imambara or some other such places. Then there was a scene where Umraao was in Kanpur and she sang the song at the birthday of nawab’s  son. The place I search was a house/building we find near the jajmau bridge on Ganga. While going to lucknow from jajmau on left side of road was a white building of the old style- I thought that the shoot must have been taken place there. So much admiration I had for the film. After Pakeezah the Umrao jaan was the only film, which I considered of that standard. There was art, music, dance, drama, literature, architecture, creativity, Culture, all the emotions were there-love, pity, envy, hatred. There is another movie UTSAV, but i realy dont know whether it was a succes story or not- two different views are taking rounds. For me that was also a movie worth preservation and it was a work of art. Had it been made in SANSKRIT- suppose- then what would have happened?. As if the Iyer( or the iyengar???) film the SANKARACHARYA. it was amazing film- i had seen it on doordarhsan early 80s. the concept of dualism was explained.
I really wish I could meet Shri Muzaffar Ali ji and ask him to take me in any dance sequence.

#RuralHubs

This is what i wrote for a news item appeared in TOI during november december 2006.
RIL has to go for it. It was essential for them to become succesfull in the SEZ or their retailing project, which otherwise without rail/road and air cannot be a viable one. Now the thing left is that RIL has to make their CARGO fleet in place. If they can bring big planes offering the pax and cargo services together will be an added advantage. OR NEXT STEP they can work on MOU with the ministry of highways for making the famous quatriangle connecting metros DELHI KOLKATA CHENNAI MUMBAI (few additions like BANGALORE, KOCHI, ONE PORT in Gujrat for which RIL has already bidded)a dream come true and this is what RIL needs. The other vision is that if they can have fast transport like rapid transport system like metro trains side by side the roads that will be good option. It can be done under the PPP.

A multi storey or lateral road+rail system will be good thing. These structures can offer many services like communication (internet, tv, phones and whole lots of things) CITY gas pipelines, power lines, PETRO lines, WATER lines and many more to come in future. On Higways at few places we can have some sort of MULTIstorey transit places/structures where (as I Imagine)Helicopter or small planes or both land on upper deck the cargo or PAX come down to get on RAIL or ROAD to reach their destination. Since these quartriangle will connect all the major corners cities (as decided by the partners) [ one city in GUJRAT, Mumbai, GOA, BANGALORE, HYDERABAD, kolkatta or near kolkata, KANPUR, DELHI or GURGAON, LUDHIANA or JALLANDHAR] Reliance has already begun in this retailing business. thus they can think of it. These multistorey structure will may become small SEZs, with Storing, sorting, packaging units with sail outlets, WHEN these are SEZ whole lot of other service sector will be attached with it.
In second tier of network the states will be connected to these small SEZs. In GUJRAT or PUNJAB or BIHAR network of roads and rails or small AIR Taxis can be utilized to collect [or distribute]the produce of villages/towns within a state network having similar kind of lateral rail road system. These network in states will be backbone for quardtriangle.
In states like West Bengal inland water transport can also be linked. the RIVERs can also be tapped for transporting the produce from one place to other where rail or road is not available or if available then also INLAND WATER TRANSPORT system will be an added benefit. Specially to connect the RURAL areas.
RuralHUB concept is a good concept if it is implemented in light of nation building not as a corporate building exercise only.